The Sum of All Fears...

...a Joe Buck talk show?

Surely, you must be joking (no, and don't call me Shirley).

The unmitigated disaster known as Joe Buck Live debuted the other night and drew less than stellar reviews from just about everybody. Even though I'm not a Joe Buck fan, I have to put most of the blame on whoever at HBO thought that something like this was actually a good idea. I mean, seriously?

To refresh you on my stance on Joe Buck, I don't believe that he is actually human. I think Joe is an announcer cyborg that was produced by FOX (similar to the robots that you see bouncing around during commercial breaks). Here's how it works: there is a producer on-site that actually types in what is happening during a game, that text is relayed to the broadcast booth, then is computed and verbalized by Buck. As an example, I give you perhaps the greatest play in Super Bowl history and Buck's robotic call:



"It is (pause) caught (pause) by Tyree."

Tell me that play wasn't called by a robot. I'm not asking Buck to start screaming in the booth, but his tone on that call is completely lifeless. It is without question the worst call of a memorable play in the history of organized sports.

So how does a guy cyborg as uncharismatic as Buck get his own talk show? Aren't talk show hosts supposed to be interesting, and engaging people with great personalities? Luckily for me (and planet earth) Artie Lange came along and essentially sabotaged the whole thing.

I usually don't like Artie, but I have to extend my deepest thanks to him. I only wish that he made Buck cry (he came close), because it is common knowledge that liquid causes robots to short-circuit.

Thank you Artie. Thank you for saving us from a Joe Buck variety show.